ICE BABY (LOVE OF A LIFETIME)
Driving down the eastern spur of the New Jersey Turnpike, Mill Creek Marsh on his right, Sam’s Club on his left, driving, Love of a Lifetime on the radio, singing I finally found the love of a lifetime in you loud in his head but soft in his mouth as if someone would hear him sing off key, alone, driving alone, cold outside, ice on the road, 40 years old, dead, his car skid into a rusty guardrail and with his last heartbeat what was left of his brain processed from his ear, from the speaker onto which his chest had collided, l finally found the love of a lifetime, in you.
At 35, his wedding, dancing, the love of his life, her make-up still in place, the photographer’s lights above them, he couldn’t stop smiling; they cut the cake together and everyone clapped, she fed him cake he dropped cake on her dress and everyone laughed; it was the end of the night she wouldn’t use the dress again; someone took a picture, his arm around her waist, blue icing on her tulle skirt.
Thirty years old, on the roof, 23 floors from the sidewalk everything washed in red lights, whomping music a fog machine, a dance floor everyone drinking he didn’t dance, a glass of ice in his hands, his hands cold; he said something to someone with a funny hat and they said something and he said something the bang of the speaker made him feel alone he walked towards the elevator to leave; it was quiet in the hallway; she stood - five years later, his wife - she stood in the hallway he joked about his headache she laughed she didn’t go to places like this, he didn’t go to places like this; they were in the hallway until the music stopped the place was quiet, he liked her smile, he didn’t want to leave, the music stopped.
In bed, 25 years old, his eyes closed his hand below; he was alone in bed; his eyes closed - a naked ass on his chest a giggle (her smile out of his body he saw her smile) as she would shimmy onto his face - he felt her butt soft on his face, he in her control - his hand below, her body on his face, he didn’t think of the smell or the strain on his neck just the softness - she would use her hands he used his hands; he wiped himself and fell asleep.
20 - A pill, whiskey, a lot of whiskey, smoke he smoked a cigarette outside; she bummed one; she had her own pack but bummed one and they drank and smoked, another pill, her lips on his neck or maybe it was her cheek or ear her arms around his neck his around her waist; they went through a hallway onto a bed, she struggled with her pants and pulled his off; he doesn’t remember kisses on the lips he doesn’t remember anything other than her rubbing her cheeks somewhere on his face, and hair in his mouth.
A smile and then she laughed a gummy laugh her head jerked back and nose scrunched up, chuckles caterwauls and a breathless giggle as she gasped for breath her gums, braced teeth smiling at him, 15, breathless having made this girl laugh so hard she was ugly; she was beautiful he saw her and his heart beat through his chest he made her laugh they were both breathless and then silent and class ended and the bell rang and the next day the day ended the bell rang and silence, the moment gone after the giggle.
At ten, his arms around his mother’s waist his face buried in her stomach her shirt wet from his tears; she pushed him off; his mother yelling put on her coat, his father yelling and he didn’t know why they were yelling but he didn’t want his mother to leave so he grabbed her at the waist again cried into her coat holding her as tightly as he could, “Don’t leave Mommy” and Daddy on the couch silent; Mommy took off her coat and locked herself in the bedroom.
“Don’t you love your teddy bear?” Five year old, he stood at the center of a circle of grown-ups bent down he and his teddy bear C.J. “Don’t you love your teddy? You go everywhere together, don’t you?” They did not go everywhere together it was always somewhere on his bed because it always had been somewhere on his bed but maybe he missed C.J. if C.J. got lost or something and these people told him he loved C.J. “Yes, I love my teddy. His name is C.J.” he hugged the bear close to his chest he didn’t want to share.
His wet face a cold air blew into the stroller and his body shivered, he had a blanket a cotton hat, the blanket down at this chest, the wind rocked him his eyes shut his mouth open, cold air filled his lungs he could not cry; outside of the door his parents inside he was outside; cold in his lungs his fingers blue; a moment later, where’s the baby, the door opens, he is inside, oh my god, my little ice baby I’m so sorry; kisses on his cheeks he opened his mouth for milk.
